When Networking for Business, Talk-Up Your Strengths!

(Except when you are trying to prove that you aren’t inadequate.)

Here’s what I mean:  I went to a networking function recently and met a zealous young man breaking into the coaching business. He was a main presenter for the event and did a fine job, but when we chatted later, he said, “I didn’t do as well today as I normally do — in fact, most of the time I’m the best speaker at these events. I have awards to prove it.”

Bragging is a form of conceit, but more-so, a compensation for feeling less-than-zippy.  I felt compassion for him (because I know what it feels like to under perform), and think he could benefit from learning techniques in one-on-one communicating. Other than that, I don’t want to forge a business connection with him.

The point is this:  you must come from strength in order to communicate your strengths.  It’s okay to want others to think highly of you, but let them make that assessment.  Humility has a far more commanding presence, anyway!  The goal is to be memorable in a positive way, to communicate your strengths quickly and to seek an opportunity for re-connection.

So, here’s how to humbly state and prove your strengths, while making an instant, positive, business connection:

1. Body language first:  stand arms’ length apart, firmly shake (not break) hands, smile and make direct eye contact.  Say, ‘hello!’ with enthusiasm.

2. Introduce yourself:  slowly state your name, your company and your position, audibly enunciating every syllable.

2. Focus on the other person first:  state something positive — comment on something you’ve seen, heard or read about this person’s body of work.  If you know nothing,  ask what he/she does and what his/her strengths are.  You immediately want to show interest; this proves you have good people and networking skills and will get the other person asking all about you.

3. Ask what kind of help you can offer to the other person.  This generosity will quickly make others perceive you as having true value, and create the opportunity to leverage yourself.

3. Now talk about you:  say something to the effect of, “I’m expert in my field with ‘X’ years in the business and have ‘X’ accreditations, awards…”etc.

4. State one or two core strengths:  these are qualities about you that you can back up with evidence.  My example is:  I help people improve their thinking and make positive impact upon others.  My company is PointMaker Communications. I’m a professional development trainer and coach who specializes in both brain-based coaching (to facilitate improved thinking) and skills-based training– the art of interpersonal effectiveness and communication (public speaking, presenting, pitching, networking and one-on-one communicating).  My accreditations come from Dale Carnegie Training and The NeuroLeadership Group (click on About Jackie Kellso to view my resume).

5. Show gratitude:  thank the other person for his/her time, for listening and learning about you.  Then ask to exchange cards and for permission to make contact.

Many people fear stating their strengths because they fear it will come off as bragging. But it isn’t. You have the right to feel good about the results of your hard work and your sharpened skills.  You have the right to tell others that you are good at what you do. Your business depends on your ability to communicate effectively.  And, when you let others discover you, they benefit from knowing you (or at the least know people who could use your services).

So remember — you must come from strength to successfully communicate your strengths.

Humbly yours,

Jackie

Copyright, Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, 2009-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Detach & Breathe

Many people have been asking me lately about how not to overreact emotionally, aggressively or undiplomatically in a work environment when things go wrong (usually caused by someone else, of course!).  People also want to know how to stop those unconscious non-verbal signals that tell the truth about what they are really feeling in the face of not being able to say it.

I have such a simple, yet excellent solution that it almost seems silly.  But it works.  It’s called, “Detach & Breathe.” It’s something I came up with to save myself in a highly stressful work environment years ago. I had been struggling with a manager for two years, battling over his way vs. my way.  As a result, he had begun to cut me out of important decisions and it forced me to realize that my stubbornness was what had been hurting me. I had been so intent on being right that I had not allowed him to be ‘the boss.’  Lesson in letting go of having to be right, in the face of being smart!

One day, during a usual confrontation, I realized that I was battle-fatigued and had put my job into jeopardy.  He had authority and that was that. I had to let go of the idea of protecting “my turf” and doing things my way, despite the fact that he didn’t know as much about my job as I.  I said, “Rich, you know what, from now on, I will defer to you and I give you my word.  I’m done fighting and I want to show you that I support you.”

I went into my office and wrote DETACH and BREATHE on post-its and placed them at eye level on my computer.  For the next few weeks he’d tell me how and when to do something and before any response I would DETACH AND BREATHE and then say, “Yes.” Well, by the third week, he started giving me the latitude do just go ahead and do things my own way. He began to include me in decisions. He was done trying to capitalize on his authority because I had stopped fighting it.

So go ahead! It’s effective! Detach & Breathe when you:

1. Feel yourself getting angry, hurt, teary; if the emotion is intense and its display could hurt the perception of you.

2. Begin taking things personally, which is affecting your ability to think and act objectively.

3. Find you are struggling for power with a co-worker.

4. Want to condemn someone else and are ready to snap, yell or scream.

Besides, what else is there at this point?  Quit, get fired or have a stroke?

Place the words DETACH and BREATHE on two separate post-it notes and have them visible at all times.  Eventually the brain will automatically sound them off to you, but you must keep at it!

The only thing we are truly attached to is what we think and believe.  We must first look deeply within to see how these attachments are negatively impacting how we react.  Once we can detach, we are free.  I mean really free.

Sympathetically yours,

Jackie

Copyright, Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, 2010-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Mastering The “60-Second Elevator Pitch”

I sometimes attend a women’s networking group where we are given an outline for how to introduce ourselves to other professionals and the opportunity to practice our pitches several times over.  Some people do this well, but for others the pitch and the opportunity to practice it don’t seem to help them master their delivery.

I’ve been watching people struggle with this and have identified two main areas that need improvement:  1. clarifying and communicating one’s uniqueness and 2. overcoming the insecurity about claiming expertise in one’s field.

So, in thinking about how to help those who are still shaky in these two areas, I’ve come up with this outline for creating a solid 60-second pitch:

1. Your name, your company’s name.

2. Your company’s mission (one line about why your company exists).

3. Your credentials ( ie:  accreditations, certificates, licenses, published works).

This helps you substantiate your value in your field of expertise (and sets the stage for  #4).

4. Your unique value proposition (one sentence about what differentiates you from your competition).

What makes me stand out from the competition…

Why I’m the best at what I do….

5. How what you do benefits your listener (one sentence on the strongest value your listener or customer gets from working with you).

I can help you specifically with…

I can provide a solution for….

Practice, Practice Practice!  I bet you make some solid connections.

Happy pitching!

Jackie

Copyright, Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, 2009-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What Would Dale Carnegie Think of Humanity in the 21st Century?

Dale Carnegie’s 30 Human Relations Principles were available to the world in 1936. They were introduced in his book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” which still reigns as the almighty in guiding people to value and act with humanity.  I owe Mr. Carnegie so much personally for how his brand of goodness has changed my life for the better, and will continue to be his champion until I leave the planet.

Not that I can pretend to know if he would have tweaked his principles for a world in which texting has replaced an actual conversation, but I will try to imagine what additional principles he might have added on to include the world we now live in. Assume the first 30 principles are still in tact, as is.

31.  Turn off hand-held devices when in the company of another human being.  Engage!

32. Be respectful, compassionate and responsible in honoring diversity: race, gender, sexual-orientation, ethnicity, culture, religion and politics.

33. Use cell phones in public only for emergencies.  Honor others needs for peace, quiet and space.

34. Ask for help when you don’t understand.  People love feeling that they have something to offer.

35. Offer personal help and support whenever and wherever you can.  You can forever change someone’s life with the smallest action and also become part of the “Pay it Forward” cycle in which someone will come to your aid.

36. Be generous about introducing people to others in your network.

37. When in a conversation, make direct eye contact and listen to understand.

38. Take full responsibility for your own feelings — never blame others for your circumstances.

39. Recognize the greatness in others and allow them to influence you.

40. Apologize, even when you have inadvertently hurt another’s feelings.

41. Build and look to work with teams of smart, devoted, dignified people who have complementary strengths to your own.

42. Say what you mean, be honest, and clear about your intentions.

43. Read the first 30 principles over and over and over.

Happy “Winning Friends and Influencing People,”

Jackie

Copyright, Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, 2009-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Your Audience Always Wants to Know, “What’s in it for me?”

WIIFM.  You know, the radio station, what’s in it for me?  That’s precisely what audiences are thinking when they have to listen to a presentation. One of my most trusted mentors once said, “No one comes to hear a presentation wondering if the speaker slept well the night before, had an easy commute and a good cup of coffee. Audiences are thinking about themselves.  Not you.  So stop thinking, worrying and focusing on yourself.”

I repeat his words with great compassion for you!  To effectively sell your idea, concept, product, or service, you must get buy-in — and that only happens when your audience understands how your point relates to them. With this in mind, be careful not to stand in the way of communicating your point.

A. Don’t Seek Sympathy

Listen to how often speakers stand before audiences and introduce their presentations with a self-deprecating remark, such as, “My computer was down all last week and I didn’t have the chance to practice as much as I’d hoped so I’m not as sharp as I’d wish to be,” or “I’ve just gotten over a cold and am not fully myself yet,”  etc…. NEVER APOLOGIZE to an audience before you start you presentation, folks!  1. You are calling attention to you and away from them.  2. You are giving them permission to look for your flaws.  3. You are asking for sympathy:  they are not going to give you the latitude to be less informative and entertaining. So, please, NEVER APOLOGIZE before, during or after a presentation. Remember: they are thinking of themselves, not you.

B. Take Yourself Out of the Equation

Your point has to benefit your audience, so every time you insert yourself, your needs, your wishes, you lose a connection.  Every word and concept is on behalf of their interests. I have heard many presenters make statements that are ‘me’ based and not ‘you’ based, like:  I want your attention, I need you to follow my direction, my goal is for everyone of you to buy my product.  You get the idea.  Your goals are irrelevant and what you want is pointless.  (The only time a speaker can state what he wants is when he is in a leadership role and has already gotten buy-in and approval.  What he really means is, ‘what we all want.’)  No speaker is spared the burden of proving a benefit. The reasons people are crackberrying, snoring, looking at the floor, whispering to the person sitting next to them, and pretending to listen (you know, eyes are fixed on you the whole time but are unresponsive) is because:  1. They are thinking of themselves. 2. The speaker has failed to prove the ability to meet their objectives, or solve their problems.  3.  The point to them has been lost or hasn’t been made clear.   So, think you vs. me when you speak.

C. Don’t Let Fear or Pride Isolate You

Please don’t let the fear of looking silly stop you from using a wide emotional range that can be playful, humorous, mournful, soulful — whatever makes sense — it reveals the essence and humanity of who you are.  An audience’s quest for WIIFM is the command they have on the speaker to be entertaining as well as informative.  As a trainer and coach I know that the people who do not improve on their presentations are ones that refuse to budge on this; they remain uninteresting, unapproachable and isolated from their listeners. People don’t trust emotionally withholding speakers. Dare to put your own brand of sparkle into it! Dramatic execution helps people understand the point and see its worth.  When you insert natural, human emotion into your presentations people appreciate you and relate to you.  That’s how you build value.

If you can look at yourself as the delivery system for your presentation, it might make it easier to realize that your personal needs can not be packaged into your material. This might be hard, especially if you’re already a bit stressed or worried about your presentation skills. You are more likely to get the result you want if you think solely about benefitting your audience than making it more comfortable for yourself.

Happy presenting!

Jackie

Copyright, Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, 2009-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

You’re 50 and Your New Boss is 30. Now what?

I’m a Baby Boomer too (going on 52) and I’ve been there.  And, I’m here to tell you the good news — working for a younger boss can work if you decide that you may have something of value to learn from the experience.

You might learn more about technology from this dynamo.  You might learn what youthful brain cells can bring to the department and/or company that you in all of your wisdom wouldn’t have thought of.  You might observe the bumps and blunders this person goes through trying so hard to get respect from you (and others) only to show signs of vulnerability and feelings of inadequacy. (You were there once, so you can empathize!)

This person may run things a bit loosely. This person might want more contact via email and text and less person-to-person eye contact. This person might not show classical forms of leadership that engender confidence.  You might wonder how this person landed such a commanding role!

I think that management and leadership skills must be developed regardless of ‘generation’ in a way that inspires others to cooperate, to take action on behalf of what’s best for the whole, and encourages productivity and positive attitudes.  Good leadership is ageless. That being said, your younger boss comes from a different time than you do and as one cultivating his/her leadership skills, has generational tendencies for you to be aware of.

Here are some traits associated with Generation X (people born between 1965-1980) in the workplace*:

Techno-literate

Grew up embracing diversity and informality

Wants to achieve balance between fun and work

Self-reliant

Motivated by independence, lack of rigid structures, technological advancement and equity

(*Source: The Generations, Gary Trotta’s Training Games, Inc.)

As as examples, your team hierarchy is somewhat flattened (in lieu of defined lines of responsibility or territory). Work hours are more flexible. People work more independently. Technology plays a greater role in the way things flow. Diversity is magnified and revered.

Some challenges but also some great stuff!

Put yourself in his/her shoes.  You’re 30 and people the age range of your parents report to you.  Threatening, maybe a little? Much to prove beyond the scope of the job?  You betcha. There’s a really powerful interpersonal dynamic at work that can become an opportunity to show your ability to dance with change, with people of all ages and with the demands of the job.

Quietly be the wiser; show patience. Offer assistance without being obsequious, pedantic or passive-aggressive. Just be you and do your job well.  Ask for a casual meeting so that you can understand your new manager’s vision for the department and the role he/she sees you playing in it.  You can work with facts, so go get them!  Show interest in his/her perspective and respect for his/her position.  Explain what strengths you bring to the table and provide evidence to prove your effectiveness.  Don’t hard sell, but don’t undermine your strengths.  Be confident and show genuine enthusiasm about working together.

Besides, what are the options?  Walk away when it’s hard to find work out there?  Try to overthrow the boss?  Disregard the new manager’s expectations of you?  You will lose.

I believe fervently that the only thing that gets in the way of making this work, for however long, is your belief that what has happening is bad, wrong and punitive.  If you were overlooked for this position you need to ask yourself a nice big objective ‘why?’ and start looking at the bigger picture instead of feeling the victim.

I’ve been there.  I once had a boss 10 years my junior who came in as Sr VP after I’d been with the company as VP of the department for some time.  I immediately read her as fearful of me.  (I think my ego needed to believe that.)  She fired me three months later.  Not because my performance had slid, not because I was acting out against her, only because in her mind, I wasn’t a fit — and that’s a quote from her directly.

I know now why I wasn’t a fit.  I tried so hard not to make her afraid that I forgot to make my own decisions.  I lost my center and created a perception of myself as someone who couldn’t act independently.  I had been so busy worrying about her feelings that I became the fearful one.  Great lesson!

You are the reigning demographic in the work force, Baby Boomer.  You still have many years of success to claim.  That being said, people are rising in corporate life with much less time walking on this earth than you, and it’s a fact.  My suggestion: embrace it, grow with it and be a role model of flexibility and integrity.  Show that you have the ultimate team spirit and be generous in developing people who manage you.

Happy communicating!

Jackie

Copyright, Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, 2009-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Extreme Communication Makeovers of Reality TV Stars

If I could join the Reality TV craze with my own show, I would propose, Extreme Communication Makeovers of Reality TV Stars. My role would be to help these new celebrities by giving them the tools to manage their outbursts, emotions and conflicts in ways that would elevate their public image, status and professionalism.

Here are some samples of how I would coach some of our favorite stars:

Bethenny Frankel:  ”I’m high-maintenance and that’s just me!”  She defended to her husband in last week’s Bethenny Ever After, after arguing how much time to spend with his parents.  She really demands that people accept her with all of her flaws (probably because she’s working so hard to accept herself).  To her credit, she is bravely exposing her own therapy and process to us, but, her communication style has a bullying effect that gives others two choices:  appease her or walk.  Right now her husband is all about giving her love and being sympathetic, but my fear for her is that unless she learns how to manage her emotional intensity and stop needing to push people to the brink in proving their acceptance of her, she will lose what’s dearest to her.

Me: Bethenny, how’s this:  Jason, thank you for hearing my point of view.  I value your feelings and know we’ll figure out a solution that supports our little family.  Hang in there with me while I work this out in my mind and let’s keep talking!

Teresa Guidice: “Prostitution whore!” she yelled, as she flung a table out of sheer frustration at Danielle Staub, showing us what a Real Housewife of New Jersey‘s rage can look like.

Me: “Teresa, try this: ‘Danielle, I’m sorry you’ve had such difficulty in your life and I simply cannot become involved in this turmoil. Can we all just have a nice lunch now?’”

Patti Stanger: “You’re out of my club, now get out!” she, of Millionnaire Matchmaker fame, screamed, to a rich but emotionally underdeveloped client (who had rejected her advice about dating).

Me: “Patti, how about, ‘The only way I’ll be able to help you find love in the future is if you take my advice.  What change are you willing to commit to for next time? ‘”

Tabatha Coffey: “You’re a disaster as a salon manager. I’m taking over!” the star of Tabatha’s Salon Takeover sneered, with disgust, as she took the keys from an emasculated hair salon owner.

Me: “Hey Tabatha, perhaps this, ‘There’s a lot to be done here and I’m so glad you sought my help.  I’m going to teach you how to thrive. Now let’s get started.’”

Not such entertaining dialog, you might say? You are correct!  It’s no fun to see people stay in control, at least not when we’re watching them on TV.  I admit, I’m addicted to these over-the-top reactions.  But why? Because it is fascinating to me that successful adults with money, family and friends and education (okay, so maybe all of those mentioned are not what you’d call educated) — people with ‘everything’ don’t have the tools to communicate in ways that yield more positive results when conflict arises.

This makes for great TV, admittedly.  But being a communications coach who helps people make positive impact with others, I can’t help but evaluate these outbursts and wonder how I might be able to help these women. Off camera, these ways of being can be quite destructive. Reacting as threatened, offended, defensive and vituperative shows the need to be right and to prove the other person wrong.  This is not the kind of detached, mature management of a situation by a self-aware, confident adult.

Think about it.  If you watched The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, you know all about the chain reaction of Kyle and Camille’s downfall with one another.  Background is that Camille heard that Kyle said something to the effect of, “Why would anyone want to invite Camille without Kelsey (I think to some Hawaiian retreat)?”  Camille calls Kyle out on it, Kyle denies. They go back and forth until Kyle starts spewing hateful things at Camille. Camille declares herself a victim of sheer jealousy.  In an act of showing her true character, she fires Kyle’s husband as the realtor for the Grammers’ multi-million dollar real-estate investments.  This is to get back at Kyle. Kyle backs off and apologizes for any misunderstanding with Camille to save her husband’s business. Suddenly, she didn’t have to be right, she just had to make things right.  But it was too late. As the momentum of the downfall continued, Camille contrived yet more opportunity to protect herself from Kyle — a dinner party starring psychic, Allison DuBois, who smokes electronic cigarettes and spews venim.  She actually told Kyle that she will never find fulfillment with her husband. “KNOW THAT,”  she sneered.

What does that kind of hostility buy?  Infamy?  What person would feel safe going to Allison DuBois for a reading after seeing her behave this way?

Kyle’s far from innocuous when it comes to controlling her mouth, as we know, having watched the devastating collapse of her relationship with her sister Kim, in the last episode.  There’s obviously a lot of pain and trauma in that family and this is not something I will venture to touch upon other than to say I wish them healing.  But the point remains:  that a communication makeover is in dire need to be part of repairing the damage.

Fundamentally, when conflict arises, the key thing that puts a salve on the wound is to give the other person the latitude to feel what they feel; to have experienced what they have lived.  In order to create any space in which to be heard, we must first give space to the other…and respect what we hear.

As an example, if Patti Stanger is disappointed with a client’s behavior on the date, instead of blowing up and saying things like, “I TOLD YOU TO LET THE GUY PLAN THE DATE!” or “YOU’RE LIVING IN A FANTASY LAND AND WILL NEVER FIND LOVE!” — reactions that only give rise to defensiveness, she might say to herself, “I know I’m the expert and I don’t have to defend it, I’m here to help this person.” And with compassion, calmly describe the benefits to her clients for changing their behavior for next time (and in doing so, creating a next time).  Instead, Patti Stanger comes across to me as someone who is so hot-headed that even if she knows exactly how to help people find love, that she’s not professional enough to handle difficult clients.  What’s on the line for her is a lost opportunity to prove she can connect people; a demand that TV must fuel.  However, she demands so much respect that there’s no compromise.  We can’t demand respect, we have to model what is respectful about us. Patti knows that her lonely millionaires have psychological barriers about intimacy. Why not be more compassionate as they stumble?

Hair salons have a gift in Tabatha Coffey. Tabatha IS always right.  I love how she puts people’s businesses on track for success.  But look at how long it usually takes people to get past the bitchiness, the brashness, the harshness?  She earns respect every time, but in such a hard way that people bristle when they see her.  Maybe this is what Tabatha wants; it is certainly not hurting her TV career.  But I know there is a better way and I know that experts never have to cause such upsetment, loathing and fear in order to be effective. People don’t have to be humiliated when they are searching for help, but frequently they allow themselves to be and the expert should be skilled in helping them avoid feeling humiliated instead of sparking it.

I say this all with compassion for these women, by the way; being a Reality TV Star must be a complicated and risky situation and I certainly admire their openness about who they are.  If I were to actually get my own show I’m sure I would want to turn to many of these people for insight and pointers.

One of the key things I would envision in doing an Extreme Communication Makeover of Reality TV Stars show would be to teach people how to give recognition when it is deserved.  And so, as a first act, I commend you, Andy Cohen, Reality TV Star and Bravo programming genius, in making these women feel loved and respected for who they are by the way you manage your conversations with them.  In the light-hearted and good-natured manner in which you help them laugh at themselves.  In the way you create a safe environment on, Watch What Happens L!ve. You are masterful as a mediator and in your ability to make people feel good about themselves.

Happy Viewing!

Jackie

Copyright, Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, 2011-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What Does it Mean to Be Assertive?

It means that you say the thing that must be said in a way that encourages and inspires the other party to listen and respect you. The goal isn’t necessarily to change another’s perspective or to get agreement (that’s the art of persuasion), the goal here is to speak up for yourself, and command the space to be heard.

Here are some quick tips:

• lead with facts, not feelings
• be willing to state what’s good about you
• give-up overly emotional responses for even, calm, predictable reactions
• ask for what you want
• say ‘no’ when you mean no
• speak in terms of the value to the other person for hearing your point
• do not accept terms that do not work for you
• accept the other party’s right to differ
• defer a heated confrontation until both parties are willing and open to hearing one another
• show respect for the other person’s opinion
• never disclose too much personal information about yourself (despite a promise of secrecy and confidentiality)
• openly admit your mistakes
• dare to be uncomfortable and say it anyway
• strive for being respected; view being liked as a bonus

Aggressive people may get themselves heard but don’t attract friends along the way.  They are good at winning the battle but even better at losing the war.  Passive people generally do not get heard and go along with others so as not to make waves. This does not engender respect. Passive-Aggressive people are a category unto themselves — a quick way to locate them is to find the source of the conflict in a group; they send out mixed messages and find a way of getting what they want through manipulation.

The true assertive individual is confident, trusted, liked and heard.  Confidence is an appealing quality that others gravitate towards. As a communication specialist, the only way I know to effectively become assertive is to practice these techniques with everyone, everywhere.

Assertively yours,

Jackie

Copyright, Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, 2009-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tips for Hiring An Executive Coach

I remember seeing a Reality TV show in which an executive coach had come in to a small business to fix the business owner’s communication problems with her employees. He immediately started out by saying to her, “I want you to listen to the things your employees have to say.” I want you to consider their feelings.”  He said this directly to her in front of her employees!

This coach made a huge error, in my mind, because the owner hadn’t been included in the decision to do this in a public forum.  The coach tried to enforce change before he had permission to do so. What a coach wants from you is meaningless and should never position what you should do in this way.  I continued to watch this fiasco unfold — the owner seemed overwrought with stress; her face red, her voice tight — she was the opposite of open, flexible and cool.  As she listened to a few criticisms of her, she not only shut down, but became so closed-off that she got up and walked away. Nothing was accomplished.

An executive coach is supposed to be the ally of the executive, and should never provoke an employee-employer intervention unless as planned and executed with the boss.

Your coach should be masterful in communicating all of the benefits to you of changing, growing and challenging yourself. Your coach should be supporting your growth based on your needs and work with you on a timeline, budget and plan of action for your goals to be reached.   S/he should provide leadership based in personal experiences and proof of success that has resulted from a particular expertise.

Coaches should ‘walk-the-walk’ in their own lives in order to effectively motivate others. I once personally knew someone who was getting a certification as a sex therapist who hadn’t had sex in 20 years and hadn’t been successful in having a loving relationship in all that time.  I couldn’t get over the hypocrisy of that!

I also know an executive coach who refuses to work through her fear of presenting. She knows it limits her ability to generate business and express key information, but she defers to her fear. How can she help an executive with a fear of presenting see the value of pushing himself out of his comfort zone?  She doesn’t have to be a presentation coach, she just has to know from experience that the fear doesn’t have to win! Coaches are at their best when they are working to overcome their own resistance to things that will yield good results.

Interview coaches before you hire them. Here are some things to look for:

1. LISTEN.  Listen to how he or she communicates with you. Is s/he asking questions that show genuine interest in you and the ability to understand your needs? Do you feel heard? Is s/he speaking in terms of your needs?  Are you clear about how this coaching method ties back to your outcome?

2. LOOK.  Sit down with this coach and observe signs of non-verbal communication. How’s the eye contact, tone of voice and body language?  Does he or she have the image and attitude of someone who engenders your trust and respect?  Your gut is your best friend. This is why a test session or interview before you sign an agreement is critical.

3. ASK QUESTIONS.  Find out what challenges s/he has overcome. Ask questions about his/her journey and how it led to becoming a coach.  Ask about the training history, methodology, and proof of credentials.

4. ANALYZE FEES.  You have to decide what your budget is and discuss with your coach what the scope of the work together is expected to be.  If your gut tells you that this person or service is not worth the price, then you have to decide if you have found the right coach. Is this coach forcing you to sign a long-term contract that would cost you thousands before you’ve had a first test session?  Do you feel pressured to lock-in sessions at a wildly reduced rate?  Is there a fair cancellation policy or at least a mutually agreeable non-cancellation policy? Have you spoken with prior clients about their return on investment with this individual?

5. AGREE BEFORE YOU SIGN. Before you sign-up for a long process, you must have your coach set reasonable expectations for your development and outline the areas you will be addressing as you progress towards your goals. For example, if you want to improve upon your presentation skills, be sure that this coach has expertise in this area vs. a coach who is expert in organizational design or team-building.  Some coaches are skilled in addressing multiple functions, but be sure to discuss this ahead of time.  The goal is that you feel in control and trust that this person is the right one for you.

Executive coaches are helping many people actualize their goals.  There are so many good coaches out there and most of us have noble ideals as to why we’ve chosen this consultative role. We’ve mostly been in your shoes and have taken risks to deal with challenges head-on. We have cultivated our skills and are always motivated to grow. We feel our purpose is to help and be a role-model to others. But, you must do your due diligence to work with the ones that serve your interests and possess admirable, executive qualities.

Happy Learning!

Jackie

Copyright, Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, 2011-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coffee Talk with Colleagues: Loose Lips Sink Ships

“Let’s have cawfee, we’ll tawk!”  How many of us frequently grab that cup o’ Joe with a colleague, for that quick, yet productive meeting?  A good idea unless the jazz, low lights and chocolate-y cupcakes encourage the conversation to spin out of control.

Recently, at a mid-town Starbucks, I overheard a man and woman (both of whom were wearing expensive-looking suits, holding the very latest crackberries, and sipping double espressos), talk about the utter hatred they had for their boss, about how they weren’t earning enough commission and how when the market got better they would both look for other jobs.  She said, “Bill, I can’t believe you feel this way, too!”  He said, “Oh yeah, I’ve felt this way for years.  Maybe it’s good to finally talk about it.” I thought, the only way either of them is going to be safe sharing this information with the other is if they are siblings or spouses. But they weren’t, because the woman discussed her plans to be with her family for Easter and the guy mentioned his fiance and their upcoming wedding.  Before they got up, they agreed on terms for a client meeting that they were teaming-up on.  I felt for them because the tension and strain of the work environment was affecting their morale, leading to this discussion.

Without even knowing it, this inappropriate sharing of feelings is likely to become the undoing of any real trust between them, over time.  He could become her boss, she his. They could get a new boss whom she likes but he doesn’t.  You just never know how circumstances will change.

Having a cup of coffee with a colleague can enhance a good working relationship because those few moments away from the daily numbers-crunching grind to have a rich, aromatic daily grind, can inspire open communication, information sharing and improved negotiations.  That being said, the step out of the office can also loosen one’s inhibitions and potentially jeopardize one’s reputation.

This is why conference rooms were built. People don’t typically conspire to blow up the boss or talk about their job interviews or affairs after a meeting has ended.  No one can fault you for wanting to be the consummate professional.  So, here are some tips to keep yourself on track and in the mind-set of doing business when out of the office:

1. Be the listener.  In case your associate is mouthing off, you can nod your head to show understanding and sympathy without engaging in the negativity.  Tell your partner that you are sorry to hear about these problems, but that you don’t feel you are in a position to discuss the situation. Suggest that an impartial, third party be consulted for support.

2. Start talking about the business at hand. Gently drive your partner back to the thing you came to discuss by asking for input and suggestions.

3. Openly watch the time.  Say something to the effect of, “I only have another 10 minutes, what haven’t we covered?”

4. Confirm your neutrality. As you are leaving, wish your associate a peaceful resolution and reaffirm your interest in working on this and future projects together.

It is so tempting to gossip when you feel you have found someone who sides with you. But there is tremendous danger in engaging in conspired negativity, and from my experience, ALL gossip leaks, even among friends.  So, take the high road; you may even encourage the gossip to end.

Happy communicating,

Jackie

Copyright, Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, 2009-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.