You know this person. He or she literally cannot stop talking. You ask a question and you get back a litany of non-sequiturs and personal stories. And you know this person doesn’t have an internal alarm saying, “STOP TALKING AND LISTEN,” and sure isn’t reading your body language to see that you withdrew 10 minutes ago.
Some binge-talkers are unknowingly being manipulative to get attention. They may be isolated and lonely in their lives; they may be desperate to feel heard and to connect – they just don’t know how to go about it. Some may be in a power position and use you to blow off steam, sharing things you wish you hadn’t heard.
A binge-talker’s tendency to go off on tangents that are irrelevant to us can trigger us to feel disconnected and disrespected. As a result, we may choose to avoid these people (which can set off an avoidance dynamic that would only lead down a very unproductive path). They key is to learn to be mindful so that we stay engaged and manage what’s happening.
Here’s what you should know: people who ramble on actually can’t help it (until they receive counseling and instruction, that is). They need to build self-awareness, become accountable, learn how to listen, engage in conversation and catch their brains wanting to fire off into a monologue (or soliloquy). In short, they need to build the skill in setting a professional boundary around their communications.
So, to help you, it starts with compassion. Fear is usually behind binge-talking. People fear that they cannot communicate their messages effectively and anxiety rises to the point that they ramble. This is a stress response. Memory begins to connect dots from circuits that link ideas, and suddenly they are telling stories that to them make sense and to you seem to belong in outer space. The irony is that although binge-talkers are not thinking about your needs, they are hoping you find them interesting. (Sadly, some people are just really Narcissistic and think what they have to say is fascinating. That’s another category.) Let’s just say for many, they crave having the space to be heard. It’s easy to say it’s a nervous habit, but it’s really a brain-wiring thing.
Here’s how you stop a binge-talker on the spot:
- You reiterate, rephrase or paraphrase the core point of the conversation, to help get back on track, first showing you at least listened to some of what the other person said. “Ah, that’s an interesting anecdote, Larry. Going back to the slow responsiveness of the client, let’s address our next steps.”
- Ask the binge-talker for a recommendation/suggestion/response by asking an open-ended question with a boundary around it. “Larry, your input is important. In one sentence, how do we engage the client to give us an answer? I have to act quickly.”
- Be assertive while giving the other person sincere appreciation. “Larry, I don’t mean to cut you off, but I must run in to a meeting in two minutes and your input is important. Before we part, what is your recommendation? Thank you!”
The more you train the binge-talker to be brief, the more you are actually helping that person to re-wire his/her brain. At the same time, you are also commanding a certain respect of your time and come to train the person on how to communicate with you.
Engaged and always listening,
Jackie
Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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