Need Help Managing Emotions at Work? Use “Cushion Words.”

For managing emotions at work, here’s a tip: Use “Cushion Words” as you feel your stomach or neck or head or back tighten or hurt. This is your body saying “Warning! I’m about to lose my cool!” Cushion words are short phrases that engage the executive or “thinking” brain right away and give you the cushion between your emotions and your reactions. Cushion word examples: “Detach & Breathe.” “Pause & Think.” “I got this.” “Recalibrate.” “I’m in control.” “I’m okay. ”

You pick the word or phrase that suits you and write these words down on post its everywhere so that your brain remembers to use them. After awhile, it will become second nature.

Keep cool!

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2020. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

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How to Manage Your Personal Power with an Insecure Boss

 I have discovered an unspoken occupational hazard along my own career path: when a person has an effervescence, a power that shines brightly, it can create problems for others occupying the same space. People can get caught up in the fear of being eclipsed by others’ light and their defensive reactions are sometimes geared towards diminishing and betraying rather than showing support.

I have been told many times that I am like a lightening rod; I tend to ignite a riot. Let me say this: I don’t mean to, my energy is like that. It creates reactions in others and it makes people like me difficult in a corporate environment. I think independently, I’m self-motivated and truly out-of-the box in the way I approach things. This can be very rattling for those who adhere closely to “the way things are done here.”

As a coach, having worked to become self-aware and accountable for my actions, I always try to use my lessons for the betterment of others. So, I only share this background about myself because work can be hell for a person like me who reports to an insecure manager. I was a victim and contributor of hell for many years during my twenty-plus-year career in advertising sales, until I made the decision to work with my authentic self in a constructive way. Until then I was clueless about managing this energy of mine.

Now, as a brain-based coach and trainer, and I hear stories like mine from the highest levels of corporate leadership to mid-level and even junior level professionals. If this is your plight, you must first acknowledge that you may be delivering a sting with your beam. Here are a few questions for you. See if you say yes to more than two.

1. Do you make unilateral decisions when you know your boss should be included?
2. Do you dismiss his/her ideas?
3. Does your boss side with your co-workers instead of you?
4. Is your boss inaccessible unless to criticize you?
5. Does s/he steal your ideas without acknowledging you?
6. Are you being blocked from a deserving raise or promotion?
7. Are you overlooked for invitations to important meetings?

It’s time to stop blaming your boss for being bad, wrong, insecure, etc., and start looking at what you can do to create a positive connection.

Here are some critical dos and don’ts:

1. Directly acknowledge what your boss does that impresses you – be sincere.
2. Seek your boss’ opinions on real issues (don’t make things up just to ingratiate yourself) and apply what you receive to your work.
3. Maintain your composure regardless of your boss’ mood swings.
4. Show respect for his/her views.
5. Do not gossip to anyone about your boss. It will come back to you with a vengeance.
6. Do not attempt to become friends – keep your professional boundaries at all times.
7. Demonstrate that you are a team-player. Share the glory!
8. Be your confident self and be humble.

Your authenticity is not at stake when you are aware of how to use your brightness and get along with others. People perceive you by how you make them feel. Bosses are just as vulnerable as any of us – and if you’re a boss you know this to be true.

Lastly, corporate cultures can vary and it’s important to know when you don’t belong. On the other hand, use any tension and adversity you are experiencing to teach you about you. It’ll make your experience valuable beyond the years you spend in any particular job.

 

 

Brightly and happily yours,

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Inconvenience of Accepting Others

Who gets on your nerves most at work? Whom do you avoid? What conflict keeps you up at night? How well are you functioning with others who clearly don’t like you? Who’s disrespecting you? How do you deal with these issues?

If you can find yourself in these questions, whether as the antagonist or the victim, I ask, is this what you’d hoped to create? Of course not!

It’s the norm to be uncomfortable accepting the fact that we have no control over others’ behaviors, tastes or perspectives. The part of our brains that demand certainty and comfort will go to battle to protect us against this threat, which is why we seek and approve of colleagues who demonstrate mutual understanding and familiarity.

It’s easier for a corporate culture to maintain the status quo, where judgment, prejudice, jealousy, and even hatred thrive, than to create a welcoming environment for all.

This is an important lesson that comes with having a career. How long are we going to provoke negativity and/or get sucked into it? It’s our responsibility to accept diversity and to include others who are different. The lack of this, where bias and exclusion are the norm, is destroying employee retention, morale, productivity and people’s lives! By allowing yourself to contribute, you are also getting held back; and I mean, not rising to your potential as a person.

The more we focus on what we don’t like, what we don’t control and how awful it is, the more it is going to weaken our resolve to be effective. On the flip side, for the people who are being isolated or excluded by us, it causes a huge amount of stress and shuts down the ability to think clearly, problem-solve and make decisions. Hence, they are losing traction to be most effective. Both sides lose.

Here are some steps that, albeit inconvenient, can turn things around to make positive impact:

1. Focus on the real issue; not your emotional trigger. So instead of thinking, What a jerk he is to tell the client we don’t have the resources to fix the problem; think, Although I don’t like his response, I don’t have all the facts to understand why he said that.
2. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. In using the instance above, instead of telling your co-worker he’s wrong, the goal is to avoid an argument. You might say, “I heard you tell the client we can’t fix the problem, which you must have analyzed. I’d like to understand your position–can you share with me how you came to that conclusion? We may have differing reports.”
3. Analyze the value of diversity. There’s an old saying: If two people are of the same opinion, one of them isn’t necessary. Why fight the fact that your reality includes people who aren’t like you? How would this shift impact you as a person, let alone as a professional?

The truth is we can’t be eclipsed by another — that’s a myth that ambition and competitiveness, mixed with fear, fosters. Our contributions matter, so we don’t lose ourselves by allowing for others’ differences. Be inconvenienced and be a model for others. With hope, you will ensure that everyone you work with is treated with respect.

Respectfully,

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

How to Stay Out of an Argument

“I hear what you’re saying, but…you’re wrong!”  How many times have you used that phrase?  How many arguments have you started as a result? Arguments are unforgiving. You can’t take back what you say. It’s like trying to apologize to the glass you dropped on the floor.  “I’m sorry,” won’t glue the pieces back together.

And why argue over opinions anyway?  They are just concepts; there’s no actual turf (other than the ego) that arguing defends. The threat we feel when we argue kicks off the “fight or flight” mechanism. The body becomes flooded with stress hormones and the thinking part of the brain literally shuts down.

So, if you’ve been getting caught up in opinion wars, you have not been thinking clearly or objectively.

Some helpful tips to help you stay out of an argument:

Stop Trying to Win
Think of others’ opinions as experiences that are connected to emotions. So, when you try to discredit or win, you are essentially saying, “Hey, your experience doesn’t count.” Experiences are valid proof of why people feel the way they do, which is why people can justify their opinions. Let it go.

Never Say “You’re Wrong”
It is not respectful to send someone’s opinion down the garbage shoot. Look for one aspect of the person’s opinion you can agree with:

Clarify what you’ve heard. “You said that dogs are too much work so you don’t like them as pets.”

Agree on a point.  “I can understand that as a busy person, it can be too much to really enjoy the company of a dog.”

Do not insert BUT or HOWEVER.

Add Your Opinion
“I have found a way to balance my schedule so that I can enjoy my freedom and my dog.”

Just the Facts, Please
A great way to prevent getting emotionally charged is to use facts to replace feelings. Instead of, “Dogs are the best creatures in the whole world!” say, “Research suggests that when people have dogs, they live longer, healthier lives.”

And the Final Word Goes To…
Both of you. If you let go of the need to be right and make it your goal to give the other person the latitude, you will create the space to be heard.  This method creates equal footing on the matter, mutual respect and a well-avoided argument.

Peacefully yours,

Jackie

You can also find this article on Womenworking.com.

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Not Fighting Back is Exhausting and Rewarding

A few years ago, I was challenged by a very difficult client in a fairly visible, corporate position. She would routinely drop the ball on important details and cause mayhem in accomplishing tasks. She bullied and blamed others for problems that she caused. When confronted with a problem (of her making) would say, “Do you know who I am?” (Oh yes, she did!) Anyway, I had to deal with a lot of stress just to ensure that my service to her company was successful, beyond, and in spite of her.

So there I was, someone who touts herself as being an expert in interpersonal effectiveness, and I was failing to build a bridge of trust and rapport with this person, despite all efforts. And after dealing with her for so long, I frankly disliked her so much that it felt too insincere to want to build rapport. Yet, I had to remain professional.

In the midst of all this, she sent me an urgent email to call her ASAP. Taking a deep breath, I called. She then reprimanded me for failing to read the details of one of her emails, berated me for writing back without having done so, and projected onto me her own feelings of being so out-of-control by claiming I was chaotic and acting like a wreck.  Rage boiled and I could feel the sizzle in my brain. I thought I was going to explode and tear her fragile sense of importance into little tiny shreds. (That would have been my old way of coping with someone like this.) But no, I decided to walk-the-walk and model what I teach others to do.

I noticed several things happening as I was holding back my anger and thinking about what to do. First, I know that the act of thinking clearly during high-levels of negative emotions uses more stored glucose than the release of intense emotion. As a result, I found myself getting physically and mentally exhausted. The FIGHT response, my automatic protector, had a full tank of cortisol (stress hormone) at its disposal. My pre-frontal cortex (executive brain) was working really hard to find my way around these feelings and take charge of the conversation. And that was the good news. I had been working to build muscles to think when stressed, and had access to it. I simply used my mantras, “Detach and Breathe” (I wrote an article about the importance of using mantras to manage stress) and, “My feelings are none of her business.” They worked!

Once I got my emotions under control, I used a technique that David Rock of the NeuroLeadership Institute refers to as “Choose Your Focus.” The idea is to stay out of the DRAMA, PROBLEM and even DETAIL and move up the ladder to where constructive dialog can occur. The areas of focus are on the PLANNING and SOLUTION. So, here’s what the conversation sounded like:

CLIENT: “You need to calm down. If you had read my email you wouldn’t have had to write so many. This is absurd and it cannot continue this way.”

ME: “I think we’re talking about a breakdown in communication, and that’s fixable. So, if I understand correctly, we still need to determine the dates for the training.”

CLIENT: “Yes.”

Once she agreed, I held to the facts, and followed up the conversation with an email. It’s really that simple looking in; you just don’t go down there with the other person. But the effort to keep calm is zapping!  She will never know how much energy I spent keeping myself in a neutral and thinking place.

As challenging as this situation is, I see her as my Guru keeping my skills sharpened. It is so true that “Your Most Difficult Co-Worker is Your Greatest Teacher.”

Calmly yours,

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Do Your Co-Workers Like You?

Hey, who doesn’t want to be liked? The problem is we can’t be liked by everyone and that’s a hard concept to take in. In fact, some people get so stressed about how much they’re liked that they’ll go out of their way to be part of the group: hanging out after work even if they’d rather be alone; going along with someone else’s idea (even if they think it’s a bad one), and being ingratiating and over-complimentary (while being insincere). It’s all an attempt to feel accepted, included and made to feel a-okay. It’s so understandable.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “People cannot make you feel inferior without your permission.” Think about that. Are you giving away your power to someone else’s judgment of you? True that it’s demoralizing to be ostracized by a colleague with a strong personality or by a team of followers. But, any act that undermines one’s self-worth to fit in is not the route to being liked, anyway.

So, are you actually liked? In truth, people generally think mostly about themselves and gauge others on how safe they are around them. When I say ‘safe’ I mean that the brain is checking every 12 seconds or so to see if we are safe. If you, for whatever reason, are not safe in another person’s mind, you are probably not liked. It may have nothing to do with anything you’ve done to that person, it could be because you are confident and assertive, or are generating more revenue than your colleague, or you’re thinner, or you’re up for a promotion…whatever the trigger is for that person, decides how safe you are. However, if you are not a trigger (meaning, not perceived as a threat) you are probably liked. It’s such a subjective thing. While being liked might feel safe to you, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are respected, especially if you are going out of your way to be liked!

My advice to you: go for being respected. Respect goes a lot further in helping you, your team and the company. Here’s how to gain respect:

1. Always be sincere and diplomatic in your honesty. So, instead of saying, “No, I don’t like your idea,” you say, “I like your courage to change the program and think that the idea itself needs more flushing out.”
2. Don’t get pulled down into others’ fear, anger, or jealousy. Say someone’s trying to undermine you; is talking behind your back and condemning you. Don’t Energize. Rise! Don’t try to mollify or ingratiate yourself. Don’t try to retaliate. Don’t gossip about it. Look within. What about you might be causing this reaction to you? What can you do to improve? What about him/her would create such jealousy or fear? Let your insights help you become stronger. Focus on being the best you. Yes, it’s unfair! But remember that you are being shown how to separate yourself from negativity – you are learning to set boundaries and keep your emotions in check. (Now, this is very different from hearing that a co-worker is upset and doesn’t know how to address you. In this case, you gently work to improve communication and ask that person what you may have done. Sincerely look to patch things up. Be accountable and work to compromise. That action gains respect.)
3. Avoid being argumentative. State your opinion only after you’ve made sure that others feel heard and validated. You can even agree to a point of their opinion without actually agreeing to something that goes against your beliefs. Instead of “I don’t think we should just hike our fees next year by 35%.” You say, “I can agree that we should initiate a new fee structure; it protects our company. If we do this incrementally, clients will be more apt to go along with it. I hope we can figure this out together.”
4. See things through others’ eyes. Judgment is being placed upon you, yes. But, you can stay above the negativity by not judging others. People are where they are in their level of conscious understanding and awareness. You be the one with the high awareness and objectivity. When you can free yourself from judging others, you can climb to a place of compassion.

With this compassion, you awaken to the point that you don’t NEED them to like you. You will stop seeking acceptance from people who can only project who they think you are through a lens that is foggy, at best. Instead, you will be liked – and admired – by people who see who you truly are; those who are self-contained, aware and compassionate, and not threatened by your greatness or your differences. The best news is that the more you become the detached, respected professional, the more you will find yourself surrounded by people just like you!

Do your co-workers respect you? That’s the real question and the thing most worthy of your focus.

Respectfully,

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

How to Handle Opposing Political Views at Work

You are thrilled that Trump won. Or, you’re horrified. It doesn’t matter; trying to be right and fighting for your beliefs in this extremely divided climate isn’t good for healthy work relations.

Sure, you and a team of co-workers may be in agreement, and you feel relatively secure speaking your mind with them. But, not only is it likely that there’s the one or the few or the many within hearing range of your political conversations; those people may end up causing you and your friends some very undesirable consequences.

What I mean is that most people already don’t handle conflict well in the workplace. I’m talking about the kind of conflict that arises out of a need for power, control and to be right, which plays itself out with things like: how to handle a client, who should lead a project, etc. What’s erupting now is a type of conflict that arouses hate and vitriol, hence what’s happening on our streets. The stakes are extremely high and walls between folks are being fortified. So, the goal here is to not mix political views with business needs. Avoid creating a hostile environment that will make being at work unnecessarily impossible.

So, what do you do if you are hearing political views that you find despicable?

1. Concentrate on the common ground you have with the person on the work-front. In what ways do you need to cooperate? Focus on the work.
2. Remind yourself that everyone is coming from their unique experience and has the right to an opinion without being told, “You’re wrong.”
3. Remember that no matter how factually correct you can prove yourself to be, the office is not the place to persuade people to change their political views.
4. See yourself as tolerant. Behave with tolerance. This is what a great leader does.
5. Remove yourself from political conversations that could disturb others. Tell your friends that you don’t want to inadvertently alienate anyone and want to stick with work-related topics.

Whether you’re anticipating that great things will unfold or are scared to death by what is happening, remember that we are truly all in this together and are all going through change. At the least, you can play your part in keeping your workplace a safe place.

Wishing us all the best,

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

How to Stop a Binge-Talker On the Spot

You know this person. He or she literally cannot stop talking. You ask a question and you get back a litany of non-sequiturs and personal stories. And you know this person doesn’t have an internal alarm saying, “STOP TALKING AND LISTEN,” and sure isn’t reading your body language to see that you withdrew 10 minutes ago.

Some binge-talkers are unknowingly being manipulative to get attention. They may be isolated and lonely in their lives; they may be desperate to feel heard and to connect – they just don’t know how to go about it. Some may be in a power position and use you to blow off steam, sharing things you wish you hadn’t heard.

A binge-talker’s tendency to go off on tangents that are irrelevant to us can trigger us to feel disconnected and disrespected. As a result, we may choose to avoid these people (which can set off an avoidance dynamic that would only lead down a very unproductive path). They key is to learn to be mindful so that we stay engaged and manage what’s happening.

Here’s what you should know: people who ramble on actually can’t help it (until they receive counseling and instruction, that is). They need to build self-awareness, become accountable, learn how to listen, engage in conversation and catch their brains wanting to fire off into a monologue (or soliloquy). In short, they need to build the skill in setting a professional boundary around their communications.

So, to help you, it starts with compassion. Fear is usually behind binge-talking. People fear that they cannot communicate their messages effectively and anxiety rises to the point that they ramble. This is a stress response. Memory begins to connect dots from circuits that link ideas, and suddenly they are telling stories that to them make sense and to you seem to belong in outer space. The irony is that although binge-talkers are not thinking about your needs, they are hoping you find them interesting. (Sadly, some people are just really Narcissistic and think what they have to say is fascinating. That’s another category.) Let’s just say for many, they crave having the space to be heard. It’s easy to say it’s a nervous habit, but it’s really a brain-wiring thing.

Here’s how you stop a binge-talker on the spot:

1. You reiterate, rephrase or paraphrase the core point of the conversation, to help get back on track, first showing you at least listened to some of what the other person said. “Ah, that’s an interesting anecdote, Larry. Going back to the slow responsiveness of the client, let’s address our next steps.”
2. Ask the binge-talker for a recommendation/suggestion/response by asking an open-ended question with a boundary around it. “Larry, your input is important. In one sentence, how do we engage the client to give us an answer? I have to act quickly.”
3. Be assertive while giving the other person sincere appreciation. “Larry, I don’t mean to cut you off, but I must run in to a meeting in two minutes and your input is important. Before we part, what is your recommendation? Thank you!”

The more you train the binge-talker to be brief, the more you are actually helping that person to re-wire his/her brain. At the same time, you are also commanding a certain respect of your time and come to train the person on how to communicate with you.

Engaged and always listening,

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Fish Rots from the Head Down

Phrase of the day: Employee Engagement.  My metaphor: The Fish Rots from the Head Down. If you, a Baby Boomer (1946-1964), at the senior leader to C-level, have stinkin’ thinkin’, the rest of your organization will rot from under you.

Many high-level Baby Boomers think of the younger set of GenXers (born late 70s – early 80s) and Millenials (1982-2000) like this: “These entitled, spoiled kids who graduated with honors think they’re going to be VP right out of the gate!” I had to work my way up the ladder and prove myself, and they have to bite the bullet and do the same.”

Research now tells us of many reasons employees leave their companies.  Some of these include:  a lack of belief in senior leadership, lack of enthusiasm or clarity about the company’s mission and poor communication with direct managers. So leaders cannot risk leading with the mindset of ‘pain leads to gain.’

In fact, GenXers and Millenials don’t appreciate the sentiment. Whether empowered from early on by us, their Baby Boomer parents, or that there is significance to being born at the start of the Age of Aquarius, they are impatient to get to the top, to make a stamp on the world. Why? Because they grew up watching a young generation of talented grads become techie multimillionaires and they have been preparing to make their mark too. We Baby Boomers didn’t have those types of super-hero young, role models. Our role models were ‘The Establishment’. We’d never seen anything like what’s happening in the last two decades. We were ambitious, but we believed we had to work our way up in a linear, long-road haul to the top, as our Veteran parents and bosses (pre-1945) did.

My not-so-humble opinion on the matter: Stop rotting. If you haven’t moved beyond the 1980s work ethic and are holding young employees to these old standards, you are creating dysfunction in your company.

As challenging as this may be, it’s about becoming flexible. Here’s how to stop your head from spoiling the rest of the company:

1. Encourage employees to spend a small percentage of their time – on your watch – creating projects they feel passionate about. Give them ownership of something meaningful to them, as long as it is in line with your company’s mission. Hey, it could open up possibilities for your business you had never anticipated!
2. Don’t embarrass young employees for trying to bring new ideas to you. You’ll make them feel important if they feel heard.  This can encourage commitment and loyalty.
3. Set boundaries, just make sure they are fair to all. Never play favorites.
4. Keep cultivating your own skills. And although we can never evolve certain parts of the brain, parts that want what’s comfortable, we can build new neural pathways that can open-up our thinking and beliefs to embrace the NOW.
5. Do what you can to learn about GenXers and Millenials. Understand their socioeconomic, psychological and cultural experiences. Become interested and make their life experiences matter to you.
6. Be compassionate towards yourself. Everyone talks about managing others through change, but who manages you through this change (at this third quadrant of your career)? Fortunately, or unfortunately, you have to do it. (You can always hire a coach.:))

With Empathy,

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.