Dear Reader,
Below are insights and tips for dealing with aggressive, ‘bullying’ co-workers. They are intended to give you some management tips for people who act aggressively towards you and might help you in the moment you are being bullied. That being said, before you read this article, know that bullying can range in severity and the tips I provide below are not solutions to being threatened, harassed, and intimidated. If this is your situation, report this to your management and to your human resources department. You may need to consult with an attorney who specializes in workplace harassment. Please use your best judgment and stay safe.
If I may be so bold, unless you wish to be, you are not in your job to be anyone’s “punching bag” or the butt of sadistic maneuvers to undermine you or your work.
If you’ve been spending countless nights worrying about how to deal with your bully, or asking yourself what you did to deserve this creep in your life and are experiencing a downturn in your productivity and/or desire to stay in your job, you may be interested to know that there is actually something you can do that is neither vengeful nor in any way harmful to any party (I know, revenge would feel so sweet!) and in fact can be a nice boost to your self-confidence.
First, let’s take a look at bullying. According to Psychology Today, “Bullies couldn’t exist without victims, and they don’t pick on just anyone; those singled out lack assertiveness and radiate fear….” Does this sound like you? But, you may ask, “Yeah, but I’ve still done nothing to deserve this.” Psychology today states that, “Bullies are made, not born, and it happens at an early age, if the normal aggression of two-year-olds isn’t handled well.”
Sadly, you are dealing with a person who is emotionally stalled and you are simply playing in the wrong sandbox.
Bullies are not exempt from feeling threatened. In fact, self-esteem and status are directly linked to behaviors that make people react as both threatening and threatened and this type of reaction mainly comes from a perceived loss of status. David Rock, author of “How the Brain Works,” and “Quiet Leadership” describes that, “Status means we are always positioned in relation to those around us: literally, where we are in the ‘pecking order.'” Dr. Rock, CEO and co-founder of the NeuroLeadership Institute is a pioneer of brain-based research and its application for creating positive, organizational change. His work has proven that as social beings, we react to social threat as if we are experiencing physical threat; as if our survival is at risk. He has identified the five core areas that trigger unconscious threat reactions and shows us that through awareness and a mindful approach, that we can shift from threat to what he calls ‘a reward state.’
These five areas are formed into the acronym SCARF: Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness. (Dr. Rock has many published articles that are worth reading on the subject.) But, for the purposes of helping you with your bully, here’s what I think you should know: you can raise your own perceived status without lowering your bully’s, and in doing so, create a more peaceful dynamic.
1. Align and Engage. Focus on alignment of your bully’s neutral comments. Where can you see his or her point? Is it in an observation of how a project concluded? Something easy for you to relate to. By focusing on where you can agree, it will show that you are not threatened, and are comfortable validating this person’s point of view. Part of Dr. Rock’s SCARF model is that relatedness or connecting with another has much to do with both parties feeling safe. Allow yourself to tell your bully that you can agree to something he or she said and why you agree. (It doesn’t mean you agree in general to this person’s behavior.) Look for opportunities where you can see his or her point of view. Always be sincere – I am not suggesting you become obsequious as a way to mollify the situation. When you begin to do this, it may trigger the sensation that you are lowering your own status, but you aren’t. You are showing how BIG you really are.
2. Keep Your Feelings to Yourself. There are times when transparency is very important to the health of a good working relationship. This is not one of those times. Empower yourself with this mindful and silent phrase, “My feelings are none of his/her business.” This means that if you are feeling panicked and want to cry out in the name of unfairness, stop! Even the slightest comment from someone who’s not a bully (but is playing with status as a high card) can make us feel bullied. There is a senior member of a team that I’m on who was assigned a huge project (working with a previous employer of mine) and I was not included on the project. When I suggested that I could offer history and help he said, “No, they only want to work with me.” I was enraged and felt my status drop with blunt force. It felt blindingly unfair. I almost told him to…well you know what that is…how unfair this was, blah blah blah. Instead, I said to myself, Jackie, these feelings are none of his business. I detached immediately, feeling empowered by my self-control. I said, “I’m happy for the team and I know you’ll do a great job.” He smiled and thanked me. Most importantly, I took the high road.
3. Get Mindful. Ask yourself what is it that kicks you in your pants around status, or any of these other social factors. What kind of conditioning do you have that is still plaguing you? It’s your job to discover what makes you tick and where you need to grow. Read about it. Talk with a professional. Ask for support. Stop blaming the bully and start taking responsibility for how you have patterned yourself as a victim.
4. Become Influential. Imagine feeding a starving child something nutritious. Act as if you have the power to cultivate the talents of this bully (not by offering feedback or advice; as per Dr. Rock; this could trigger a status alert and backfire!). I mean to support this person in becoming more productive and create a window for his person to behave in a way that can elevate his or her self-esteem. For example, congratulate the bully on something well done. Do it publicly. Be specific. Acknowledge what is good. There’s a chance that this bully is starved for recognition. This is not about ingratiating yourself to get on his or her good side. It’s to be above the dynamic and lead from strength.
5. Value The Lesson. I’ve written about this very topic before. That Difficult Co-Worker is Your Greatest Teacher! How do you use this situation to propel yourself forward? What is your strategy from here? Your life is in your control, having nothing to do with the other person.
6. Do Right. You are a player in a hierarchical structure that is designed for its own survival, not yours. Fairness is one of the five social factors that Dr. Rock describes and it can kick us in our proverbial pants when we feel things aren’t fair. We’ve all seen it; being passed over for a promotion, receiving less salary for the same work as another, nepotism, lay-offs, closed-door policies, etc. It’s the inherent dysfunction that ravages every organization where leaders lack self-awareness and actual leadership skills. So you learn what it is to engage others, to raise the morale, to play fair and to be a good team-leader. It’s a phenomenal opportunity to leverage your autonomy and create rewarding outcomes for yourself.
I know…none of this is easy. But as my Popop used to say to the very aggressive, sometimes bullying little ten-year old me, “The first one who yells loses.” Your bully is losing whether you join in or not. Just focus on your ability to grow and the rewards will follow.
Always moving towards the rewards,
Jackie
Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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