Give People Options and They’ll Agree to the Rules

Think of the most successful game shows and why people want to play: it’s the fate placed in their own hands to impact the outcome. Take “Let’s Make a Deal” for example. People can only choose from three doors, and have to take whatever’s behind that door – placing their luck in their own hands. In “Wheel of Fortune” they spin that wheel and have to live with whatever that spoke offers. “Jeopardy” gives people the opportunity to pick their own subjects, yet they still have to follow the rules of asking the right questions. This is the strategy of getting people to willingly follow rules: give them options and autonomy and empower them to have a hand in their own destiny. The mind then focuses less on the restrictions and more on the pleasure of choosing for oneself.

This crossed my mind the other day when thinking about helping a client become better in the art of delegation. This vice-president was sharing her failure to gain cooperation and complained that she mostly receives push-back or non-compliance. I asked her how she went about asking people to follow her lead. Her way was something like, “Hey, I need you to do this. It’s due by 5pm.”

The truth is that individual contributors may realize their jobs require them to execute management’s agenda, but they may rebel when orders are barked at them and they have no say about the task. So she and I worked out a way for her to become more effective, which was to present options and give her team latitude (and some control) over the project, while still holding them accountable for the assignment.

After this interaction, it occurred to me that this issue isn’t limited to delegation. The best sellers know that to influence a decision and close a deal; they offer their prospects options to choose from with varied costs and value-adds. Buyers feel empowered when they perceive to be in control of the seller relationship. So the seller provides options that are adventageous to both parties, with set boundaries and restrictions, but sellers know that to have a successful outcome, it’s the buyer who is given the power to choose from a selection of options.

So, for those of us who must delegate or close deals or get people to collaborate/cooperate here is what creating options sounds like. Examples:

Delegation. Start with the rule: “Sara, this project is due tomorrow at 5pm.” Provide the options: “Between 9a-4p, when do you think you can get this to me?”

Closing a deal. Start with the rule: “We have three packages that will fulfill your objectives, scaled by investment levels. In order to launch this on time, please provide us with your choice by Monday.” Provide the options: “Option 1 will cost X and deliver Y. Option 2…etc… Option 3…etc. Which one would should we go with?”

Gaining cooperation. Start with the rule: “Today the team will be divided up into 3 groups, each with a different task. These are to be handed in by COB Friday.” Provide options: “Based on these deliverables, on a first come-first served basis, please select the task you’d like to work on.”

Autonomy is one of the most important needs that people have in life. Ensuring that your teams are not stripped of this essential human right – even when rules are in play – is a critical factor in creating a cooperative and healthy work environment.

Cheering you on!

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2019. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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How to Manage Your Personal Power with an Insecure Boss

 I have discovered an unspoken occupational hazard along my own career path: when a person has an effervescence, a power that shines brightly, it can create problems for others occupying the same space. People can get caught up in the fear of being eclipsed by others’ light and their defensive reactions are sometimes geared towards diminishing and betraying rather than showing support.

I have been told many times that I am like a lightening rod; I tend to ignite a riot. Let me say this: I don’t mean to, my energy is like that. It creates reactions in others and it makes people like me difficult in a corporate environment. I think independently, I’m self-motivated and truly out-of-the box in the way I approach things. This can be very rattling for those who adhere closely to “the way things are done here.”

As a coach, having worked to become self-aware and accountable for my actions, I always try to use my lessons for the betterment of others. So, I only share this background about myself because work can be hell for a person like me who reports to an insecure manager. I was a victim and contributor of hell for many years during my twenty-plus-year career in advertising sales, until I made the decision to work with my authentic self in a constructive way. Until then I was clueless about managing this energy of mine.

Now, as a brain-based coach and trainer, and I hear stories like mine from the highest levels of corporate leadership to mid-level and even junior level professionals. If this is your plight, you must first acknowledge that you may be delivering a sting with your beam. Here are a few questions for you. See if you say yes to more than two.

1. Do you make unilateral decisions when you know your boss should be included?
2. Do you dismiss his/her ideas?
3. Does your boss side with your co-workers instead of you?
4. Is your boss inaccessible unless to criticize you?
5. Does s/he steal your ideas without acknowledging you?
6. Are you being blocked from a deserving raise or promotion?
7. Are you overlooked for invitations to important meetings?

It’s time to stop blaming your boss for being bad, wrong, insecure, etc., and start looking at what you can do to create a positive connection.

Here are some critical dos and don’ts:

1. Directly acknowledge what your boss does that impresses you – be sincere.
2. Seek your boss’ opinions on real issues (don’t make things up just to ingratiate yourself) and apply what you receive to your work.
3. Maintain your composure regardless of your boss’ mood swings.
4. Show respect for his/her views.
5. Do not gossip to anyone about your boss. It will come back to you with a vengeance.
6. Do not attempt to become friends – keep your professional boundaries at all times.
7. Demonstrate that you are a team-player. Share the glory!
8. Be your confident self and be humble.

Your authenticity is not at stake when you are aware of how to use your brightness and get along with others. People perceive you by how you make them feel. Bosses are just as vulnerable as any of us – and if you’re a boss you know this to be true.

Lastly, corporate cultures can vary and it’s important to know when you don’t belong. On the other hand, use any tension and adversity you are experiencing to teach you about you. It’ll make your experience valuable beyond the years you spend in any particular job.

 

 

Brightly and happily yours,

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Responses to Questions about How to Deal with a Bullying Boss

The new video in response to questions about the previous video >>>>

The original video, “How to Deal with a Bullying Boss.” >>>>

I received many responses in support of the original, but I also had questions about how I handled the boss from unsatisfied viewers.  Ideally, I would have been able to demonstrate how to change my boss, gain power over the situation, and fix the problem  – but none of these were what I was trying to convey.  Instead, the idea was to empower people to act and think in ways that don’t end up back-firing on them.  This is because we can never control anyone but ourselves.

The goal of the original video was to:

1. Show how to ask open-ended questions instead of becoming defensive (as in the 1st version of that video).
2. Use a mantra to try and calm — Detach & Breathe — to clearly and remain in control of my emotions.
3. Remain friendly towards the boss; to remind him that I’m an ally.
4. Agree on how to move forward, and in this case, to handle the situation on my own, taking another risk, but deciding it was the only way to proceed.

It’s also important to note that there are many variances in levels of bullying.  This situation was dealing with a bully who is overly sensitive to criticism, fearful for his job, emotionally out of control and in turn victimizes others without giving the benefit of the doubt.  Basically, a pain in the butt!

That being said, there is bullying going on out there that is pure harassment and can cause severe emotional distress to the point of disabling one from managing work and life.  If this is happening to you, please seek legal counsel and professional counseling.

I hope you find these explanations helpful.  Please stay safe out there.

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Do Your Co-Workers Like You?

Hey, who doesn’t want to be liked? The problem is we can’t be liked by everyone and that’s a hard concept to take in. In fact, some people get so stressed about how much they’re liked that they’ll go out of their way to be part of the group: hanging out after work even if they’d rather be alone; going along with someone else’s idea (even if they think it’s a bad one), and being ingratiating and over-complimentary (while being insincere). It’s all an attempt to feel accepted, included and made to feel a-okay. It’s so understandable.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “People cannot make you feel inferior without your permission.” Think about that. Are you giving away your power to someone else’s judgment of you? True that it’s demoralizing to be ostracized by a colleague with a strong personality or by a team of followers. But, any act that undermines one’s self-worth to fit in is not the route to being liked, anyway.

So, are you actually liked? In truth, people generally think mostly about themselves and gauge others on how safe they are around them. When I say ‘safe’ I mean that the brain is checking every 12 seconds or so to see if we are safe. If you, for whatever reason, are not safe in another person’s mind, you are probably not liked. It may have nothing to do with anything you’ve done to that person, it could be because you are confident and assertive, or are generating more revenue than your colleague, or you’re thinner, or you’re up for a promotion…whatever the trigger is for that person, decides how safe you are. However, if you are not a trigger (meaning, not perceived as a threat) you are probably liked. It’s such a subjective thing. While being liked might feel safe to you, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are respected, especially if you are going out of your way to be liked!

My advice to you: go for being respected. Respect goes a lot further in helping you, your team and the company. Here’s how to gain respect:

1. Always be sincere and diplomatic in your honesty. So, instead of saying, “No, I don’t like your idea,” you say, “I like your courage to change the program and think that the idea itself needs more flushing out.”
2. Don’t get pulled down into others’ fear, anger, or jealousy. Say someone’s trying to undermine you; is talking behind your back and condemning you. Don’t Energize. Rise! Don’t try to mollify or ingratiate yourself. Don’t try to retaliate. Don’t gossip about it. Look within. What about you might be causing this reaction to you? What can you do to improve? What about him/her would create such jealousy or fear? Let your insights help you become stronger. Focus on being the best you. Yes, it’s unfair! But remember that you are being shown how to separate yourself from negativity – you are learning to set boundaries and keep your emotions in check. (Now, this is very different from hearing that a co-worker is upset and doesn’t know how to address you. In this case, you gently work to improve communication and ask that person what you may have done. Sincerely look to patch things up. Be accountable and work to compromise. That action gains respect.)
3. Avoid being argumentative. State your opinion only after you’ve made sure that others feel heard and validated. You can even agree to a point of their opinion without actually agreeing to something that goes against your beliefs. Instead of “I don’t think we should just hike our fees next year by 35%.” You say, “I can agree that we should initiate a new fee structure; it protects our company. If we do this incrementally, clients will be more apt to go along with it. I hope we can figure this out together.”
4. See things through others’ eyes. Judgment is being placed upon you, yes. But, you can stay above the negativity by not judging others. People are where they are in their level of conscious understanding and awareness. You be the one with the high awareness and objectivity. When you can free yourself from judging others, you can climb to a place of compassion.

With this compassion, you awaken to the point that you don’t NEED them to like you. You will stop seeking acceptance from people who can only project who they think you are through a lens that is foggy, at best. Instead, you will be liked – and admired – by people who see who you truly are; those who are self-contained, aware and compassionate, and not threatened by your greatness or your differences. The best news is that the more you become the detached, respected professional, the more you will find yourself surrounded by people just like you!

Do your co-workers respect you? That’s the real question and the thing most worthy of your focus.

Respectfully,

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Dear Millennials: Protect Your Brain from your Heart

On the tail of Mother’s Day, I was thinking back to what I was like at age 27, the year my mother died.  I was already a successful and ambitious sales person in the media business when this happened, and it shook my whole world.  I was thinking about how vulnerable I felt at the time and what I did to fill the void.  And, since I was single and work was my primary focus at the time, filling the void meant forging strong relationships with colleagues.

A year after my mother died I landed my biggest and most important job to that point, a hot hot hot cable network!  No gig was cooler than that place in the 1980s, when I got this job. (MTV, folks!) I was great at what I did and managed to succeed even with my personal grief.  But inside I felt deeply alone and was trying to live my life without my mother in it.  Well, the woman who had hired me was a bright, lively, warm person, a few years older than me, and reached out her hand in friendship.  I couldn’t have been more thrilled!  We became good friends.  I went to her house, she went to my house, we talked on the phone, we cried to each other, shared secrets, the whole shmeer.  The professional boundary had been smashed.  I was in heaven because I worked for the coolest company, and had me the strong, comforting, female, authority figure for which I longed.

A year passed.  Suddenly, this boss moved over to a new department, gained a higher status in the company, and I got a new boss — this one, not so warm and friendly.  But it didn’t matter because I still had this great relationship that would support me and be there for me, just from a different department.  So I thought.  I soon realized that she wanted to cut me loose, and move beyond me.  I was crushed, I tell you, to my core.  I wrote her letters, I called her, I tried to understand the sudden disinterest in being my friend.  I never got a straight answer.

It took me awhile to heal.  I had let my heart shoot my brain, basically!  I now know it’s because the hormone oxytocin (which acts as a neuro-transmitter in the brain) is released when there’s a powerful connection.  It’s what we all seek, of course, especially when we are in need.  Work is a sea of opportunity to connect. The danger in this is that many people in corporate life are in it to win it; ambitious to the point of using people along the way.  And, even if they aren’t trying to use people, they have to recover and protect their own boundaries, in order to be most effective and have the best chances of success.  I can’t say to this day what her motive was to befriend and then unfriend me. Once she broke my trust, I felt I never really knew her in the first place. But, in hindsight, if she’d known how to handle it better she would have.

I’ll never forget this powerful lesson. No matter what is going on in your personal life, work is a dangerous place to become vulnerable to others.  Sure, I made some very nice friends throughout the years, some of whom are reading this right now, but the difference is having a friend vs. trying to find healing through a co-worker.

I wanted to write this to you from the perspective of someone now approaching 57, who has made lots of mistakes and has learned from each one of them. Your work life is different in many ways than mine was at your age.  But still, people are people, and as nice as they may be, your best bet is to keep a professional boundary so that your personal life doesn’t encroach on all of the amazing opportunities and business relationships that await you.

Always learning and growing,

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

How to Change the Subject without Being Insulting

You’re listening to a boss or a colleague, client or friend, and losing patience. Perhaps, the subject is one that doesn’t interest you, or there is nothing more you can contribute. Maybe the topic is unimportant or irrelevant, or boring, or even worse – it’s gossip.

Most of us just don’t know how to end a conversation without being awkward.  We look at our watch.  We check our Smartphones for emails or texts.  We insist there’s an emergency for which we must run. We drop eye contact and start fidgeting. (Since 90% of the most important parts of communication are non-verbal, there’s a good chance we’re passive-aggressively sending a signal of disinterest.)  We might even hear: “Hey, you’re not interested in this?” or “What, you don’t have anything to add here?”  The possible outcome:  insulting or angering the other person.

Whatever the scenario, here is the way to change the subject.  It’s called, “The Re-Direct.”  Here are the steps:

1. Clarify the key point(s) about the current subject you want to change.

Subject A. “Okay, from this conversation, you want to re-train us all on how to communicate with our direct reports.”

Subject B. “You’re telling me a personal story about Gus.”

2. Agree on how to move forward.

Subject A. “You’re asking me to review the schedule to see when my team is free to take the training.  I will get back to you by COB Thursday.”

Subject B. “This is awkward for me. I ask that you please don’t include me in Gus’ personal business.”

3. Assert that there’s something you want to say, kindly, and insert a benefit to the other person for hearing you.

“While I have your attention, I’d like to discuss how we can improve our work with IT for the new client assignment. I think this will help us prepare for the 2016 renewal of the account if we can address this now.”

4. Speak Up

“My team does not have enough access to IT support to meet the client’s demands.  I was wondering if we can add more IT people to help cover the scope of this project?  I can site a few examples of our current issues.”

5. Show Appreciation

“Thank you for taking the time now to discuss this matter with me.”

So regardless of the topic you’d like to change, re-direct. Acknowledge what you’ve heard, then gently ease from the current subject (agreeing or stating how to move forward) and right to the benefit of the other person for listening to what you have to say.  Lastly, show gratitude for having the space to speak up.

Diplomatically yours,

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Benefits of Bad Work Experiences

Most of us have worked for companies that were a mismatch with our personalities, our talents, our expectations, our beliefs.  Some worse than others. I wanted to write about the lessons of what appear to be unfair circumstances and point out the great, long-term benefits of them.

I’ll never forget when I took a job at a boutique ad agency, leaving the comfort zone of being a sales rep at a media company. It was my first foray into management as a vice-president.  It was the highest base salary I’d ever negotiated. But my first shock as the ‘VP of Business Development’, was the mentality around bringing in revenue, which does not include the word SALES.  For creative types, this conjures up pictures of used-car salesmen with suspenders and baggy pants that droop below their bellies, ready to sell a pregnant woman a piece of junk that will break her bank and break down at the first intersection.

This wasn’t the primary reason for it being the wrong fit.  I was the first and only woman in a male-dominated management team that had been in place for awhile. My prior sales successes had been based on hard-hitting negotiations with media buyers; hustling for the order, making deals happen and being managed by people just like me – hunters of ad revenue. So, my personality and approach was already in their minds — the used-car bully.  I didn’t presume this. I was told that I came across that way.

Well, here in the midst of all this creativity flowing around me (the agency does not exist anymore, BTW) I was told more than once, in front of my colleagues, that I should “go make curtains” instead of sit-in on strategy meetings.  When I wasn’t being outcast, my boss would discretely come to my office, shut the door and cry about how his boyfriend had dumped him, or whatever his personal battles were with others in the company.  He had crossed the line with me so much that when it came to including me as part of the team, he must have felt so vulnerable (as if I was going to blow his cover) that he had to shut me out, and reduce me back to the 1950s.

Then one evening, they called me into a team meeting.  I was so excited!  Finally, embraced by my co-workers!  But nooooo….it was an ambush.  Each person told me one-by-one, how useless, uninspired, uncreative I was and that I would never meet their standards.  They pummeled me with assertions about how I was mishandling their accounts. My boss had essentially given people their scripts and bullied them into this treatment of me – just in the way he made me feel threatened that if I didn’t listen endlessly to his dramas, my job would be on the line.  I tried to defend myself. Then, at one point, I got up and tried to leave the room.  My boss held his arm in front of the door to block my exit.  One of my colleagues, the finance guy, ex-attorney, told him I could sue them for entrapment.  He let his arm down.  I walked out.  I quit/was fired the morning after the ambush.  I almost sued them for harassment, but decided my well-being would suffer and I wanted to just put it all behind me.

We soon found out that my boss was a coke addict. And, despite all of this, I had brought in some revenue in that time in those four months.  Go figure!

First let me say that this experience in no way expresses my feelings or attitudes about ad agencies!  And, my time there is so rich with lessons that have helped me since grow, that I bless the coke addict and his pals for every act of inappropriate behavior towards me.  I also thank my 30-something self (this happened in the mid 90s) who had no previous experience with such things, for enduring and learning.

So, some tips for dealing with a toxic work situation:

1. Set boundaries with everyone, including bosses. You are not to play therapist or allow them to feed off of you like vampires.  You say, “I’m sorry you are going through this and I am not in a position to help. Can we focus on X piece of business – I would love to consult you on this matter.”

2. The minute you are harassed, do not defend yourself.  No point in trying to establish power. Say nothing.  Document the incident and file it with HR.  You will now be at risk of being fired, relocated or demoted.  It’s okay, your integrity is more important than living with the bullying. You will move on –  way beyond this particular employment.

3. Do not share your horror stories with anyone, except for documentation to HR. (I made the grave mistake of complaining about him to others, to try to find allies, and it backfired!)

4. Step back and understand that no title or amount of income can outweigh such toxicity.  Check your ego on this.  Let this job go.  It’s safer to go back to a lower title and less income in the right environment than hang on because it looks good on your resume.  Your self-esteem means everything, your ego means nothing. (I went right back to ad sales from there and enjoyed the comfort and success of working with like-minded co-workers.)

5. Laugh about the craziness of it all!  It’s really an amazing journey to deal with such dysfunctional people. Think about the story you’ll be able to share with others about how you grew as a result of such pain, and the many benefits you were able to accumulate.

Honorably,

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Good News about Being a Square Peg in a Round Hole

You’re 25, 35, 45, 55, 65.  Your work is excellent regardless of your position. You are skilled, qualified, effective.  You’re making positive impact towards the bottom line for your employer.  You’re not perfect, but you’re fundamentally a nice, kind, quality human being.  Yet, somehow people judge you, misunderstand your intentions, or simply don’t like or trust you:  there’s a look in their eyes as if you have two heads and your skin is blue.  They blame you for the way you say or do things.  They are intolerant of your being different from them.

You feel like the oddball and cannot blend in with the group.  This is a known stress-inducing thing, in fact, David Rock of the NeuroLeadership Institute calls this a ‘lack of relatedness’ that professionals feel.  It causes a threat reaction in the brain, which can fuel the problem and lead to behaviors that further separate us from the group mentality (i.e., withdrawing, arguing, appeasing others, etc…).

I am a square peg.  My entire career, no matter what employer, I am plagued with being so different as to stir the pot, having experienced a host of things from being bullied, to being ostracized, being fired, being gossiped about, you name it.  However, I am so efficient and good at my job that this is never the issue that surfaces.  No one ever blamed me for being incompetent.  I’m just not like the others.

I’ve come to take responsibility for this and see myself as a catalyst.  I am a lightening rod.  I ignite a riot.  I have a strong, assertive energy that makes some people very uncomfortable.  I am honest and direct.  I am confident.  I have a way of working that gets results but is not the norm.  It rattles people who follow the rules and blend in. Now, none of this disqualifies me from having to practice all of my beloved techniques in human relations, communication, leadership and holding myself accountable when I do wrong, but it is a quality that I cannot change because it’s so fundamental to my presence and my spirit.  And I endure because there are people who see my value and embrace my differences.

Does this sound like you, dear friend?  If so, start thinking of yourself as a catalyst that wakes people up.  From a much higher perspective, you and your big energy are mirrors for others to have their own limits kicked-up, and when they are mature enough to take accountability for that, they get to change for the better. (And sometimes they pursue professional development coaches when they do! :)) And if they don’t they don’t – it’s a conscious choice to wake-up or not.  Just know they will always play the role as your Guru, reminding you to be okay with being different. Until then, sadly, you get to be blamed for their discomfort.  Know that some of the time you possess qualities that make them want to push you away, only because they cannot be like you.  How about them apples!

In fact, entrepreneurs are frequently people who are so tired of not being a fit, they leap off to be their own bosses, create their own gigs and work in more autonomous scenarios.  I am one of these, yet always mindful that clients can draw the square peg out of me and I have to be mindful that I am hired to be of service and to get along.

Do not fret, square one.  Round holes are good for your soul.  They help to refine and develop you in a way that allows you to get on with your life; get along in the world even when it’s awkward.  It becomes a life-long workout of blending in to make your life work.  It gives you the objectivity to choose how to behave so that you are being your best.  Good news is that round holes can never demand you to fundamentally change.  You are like the horse that is given water but cannot be made to drink it. Enjoy your power.

Squarely yours,

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.