The Inconvenience of Accepting Others

Who gets on your nerves most at work? Whom do you avoid? What conflict keeps you up at night? How well are you functioning with others who clearly don’t like you? Who’s disrespecting you? How do you deal with these issues?

If you can find yourself in these questions, whether as the antagonist or the victim, I ask, is this what you’d hoped to create? Of course not!

It’s the norm to be uncomfortable accepting the fact that we have no control over others’ behaviors, tastes or perspectives. The part of our brains that demand certainty and comfort will go to battle to protect us against this threat, which is why we seek and approve of colleagues who demonstrate mutual understanding and familiarity.

It’s easier for a corporate culture to maintain the status quo, where judgment, prejudice, jealousy, and even hatred thrive, than to create a welcoming environment for all.

This is an important lesson that comes with having a career. How long are we going to provoke negativity and/or get sucked into it? It’s our responsibility to accept diversity and to include others who are different. The lack of this, where bias and exclusion are the norm, is destroying employee retention, morale, productivity and people’s lives! By allowing yourself to contribute, you are also getting held back; and I mean, not rising to your potential as a person.

The more we focus on what we don’t like, what we don’t control and how awful it is, the more it is going to weaken our resolve to be effective. On the flip side, for the people who are being isolated or excluded by us, it causes a huge amount of stress and shuts down the ability to think clearly, problem-solve and make decisions. Hence, they are losing traction to be most effective. Both sides lose.

Here are some steps that, albeit inconvenient, can turn things around to make positive impact:

1. Focus on the real issue; not your emotional trigger. So instead of thinking, What a jerk he is to tell the client we don’t have the resources to fix the problem; think, Although I don’t like his response, I don’t have all the facts to understand why he said that.
2. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. In using the instance above, instead of telling your co-worker he’s wrong, the goal is to avoid an argument. You might say, “I heard you tell the client we can’t fix the problem, which you must have analyzed. I’d like to understand your position–can you share with me how you came to that conclusion? We may have differing reports.”
3. Analyze the value of diversity. There’s an old saying: If two people are of the same opinion, one of them isn’t necessary. Why fight the fact that your reality includes people who aren’t like you? How would this shift impact you as a person, let alone as a professional?

The truth is we can’t be eclipsed by another — that’s a myth that ambition and competitiveness, mixed with fear, fosters. Our contributions matter, so we don’t lose ourselves by allowing for others’ differences. Be inconvenienced and be a model for others. With hope, you will ensure that everyone you work with is treated with respect.

Respectfully,

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Experiencing Change? Say Yes to Reality.

When you argue with reality you lose — but only 100% of the time. — Byron Katie

I’ve had talks with CEOs of companies as of late, who are very concerned with the reactions and resistance people are having to the concept of change. With downsizing and realignment, new management, less resources — there is a rise in resistance and a drop in morale.

I’m not suggesting the problem isn’t real — corporate changes are complex and difficult. But, the true problem is that for anyone not opting for the new reality, it brings about feelings of uncertainty. Lack of security. Fear.

Fear shuts down the view that change could lead to opportunity and growth. The brain is wired to react to fear in ways that protect us from perceived threat. It calls upon its usual defenses so we can stew in how bad and wrong and unfair life is. The payoff of the fear is that we get to judge others decisions and decide they are wrong. But at the end of the day, who suffers the most? You do. Arguing with reality is futile.

When we fight organizational change we limit our own freedoms because we aren’t using our executive thinking powers to be creative and resourceful. When we accept and surrender to what is, we have limitless potential to make decisions about how we’re going to respond and what our plan will be through the change.

I know this experience only too well. I remember being let go from a long standing job with absolutely no discussion, no explanation, nothing I would have deemed as being respectful to me. I kept rolling the thoughts around my head: How evil!! How could they treat me this way!! How dare they!!!! Well, after stewing in my anger for a time, and feeling rejected, I saw that my thoughts were blocking me from making the reality work in my favor. The void left me a wide open door for change and opportunity that I could create. I could learn something new. I could make new connections. I could live perfectly well without this job even if it took awhile to get back the income. No company could take away the good that was coming my way as long as I kept my eye on what I could control.

I remember once hearing Reverend Jesse Jackson on Larry King Live say, “Death is the only certainty in life.” So, given that truth, it’s beneficial to give up the illusion of security that things will remain as they are.

If you are facing uncomfortable change in your organization, here’s what you can do:

1. Acknowledge your discomfort, your grievance, your views.
2. Then, decide to go with the flow and stop insisting that the change is wrong.
3. Ask yourself some questions about the new reality: What’s best for me? Should I stay or should I go? Can I learn from this? How will this change benefit me as a person? How do I detach from taking this as a personal threat, and surrender into acceptance? What paths are now open for me to pursue?

As I understand it, there exists a symbol in Chinese that means both “crisis and opportunity.” It’s all in how you perceive it. Reality = opportunity. Go for it.

Realistically speaking,

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2020. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Are You Striving to Get Yourself Back on Top?

Yesterday, I caught an interview with Dr. Robin Smith on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday, and was absolutely struck by a part of the conversation that referred to the demise of Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson.  Dr. Smith spoke about how they died as a result of being completely obsessed with getting back to the top of their games.  For Whitney Houston it was, ‘hitting that note’ again, and with Michael Jackson it was creating something bigger than “Thriller.”

How many of us professionals, those in career transition, and those who lost titles and high salaries to the economic downturn, are in a spin to GET BACK TO THE TOP?

The obsession to re-experience a high from the past, compounded with a lack of acceptance that life has changed, that those were exceptional moments of their own time and circumstance, drive us to self-destruct.

This idea resonates greatly with me as I’m now 10 years into my second career (from advertising sales to professional development) and have a constant nagger (my ego) worrying about how I will be able to get back to the top of my earnings again.  My top was at the height of the Internet boom, where I was so perfectly situated, in the late 90s and early 2000s.  Of course, I was already nearing 20 years into my sales career when this hit and I’m only 10 years into this career (that in general isn’t known to be the money-maker that sales is) BUT, the point is that the way I’ve been evaluating my success, which is to GET BACK TO THE TOP, is my real problem.

The thinking itself is a set-up for feeling like a failure!  I was on a different path, I had different personal goals, I was a different person and life presented me with different options. Plus, I would never, ever want to go back into that career  and walk away from the very thing that has fueled me with purpose, joy and feelings of fulfillment.

And, even though I have a rich life with a loving husband, good health, great friends and family, and kick-ass skills to do my work at high levels, I recognize that the obsession to have what I had is a self-destructive thought.  Embracing the path I’m on now is the key to moving forward.

I believe in my ability to bring in that bounty and to prosper as I look toward the future.  The difference is I’m not going to continue striving backward, I’m now striving forward.  The freedom from comparison of a past situation is the clarity I needed in order to feel optimistic.

So, dear colleagues: STOP IT.  Stop working to get back on top. Stop comparing your life now to back then. Instead, look for the direction your life is taking and say yes to what feels right, right NOW, because it will lead to the best opportunities that can present themselves to you.  It will lead you to a new future.  And that future may be more dear to you than title and money, and/or that future may include a better title and even more money! Who knows?

Forge ahead!

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Secret Lives of Risk-Takers

This topic reminds me about the Rabbi who leaves his town, and goes to a restaurant where no one will know him so he can secretly taste pork.  He goes to a very remote location — a five-star restaurant, sits in the darkest corner, and orders the house specialty.  Eventually, the chef and a waiter come out of the kitchen carrying a large silver-plated dish with a dome covered over it, loudly singing praises about this glorious meal.  Everyone in the dining room is captivated by the presentation and the aroma. Oohs and aahs from other patrons can be heard as the chef walks towards the Rabbi. The Rabbi is panicking; sweat dripping down his face.  The chef carefully puts the plate down in front of the Rabbi, while the waiter places a napkin into the Rabbi’s collar. Suddenly, a couple sitting at the next table yells out, “Rabbi, it’s us, Sidney and Sheila Goldberg!  We are in your congregation!  What are you doing so far out of town?  As the Rabbi thinks about his response, the waiter lifts the cover off the plate. The Rabbi looks down and sees an entire roasted, suckling pig with a large apple stuffed in its mouth. Humiliated, mortified, he turns to the Goldbergs and says, “All this fuss for a baked apple?”

Sometimes taking risks turn out to be hellish, and sometimes we are misunderstood for taking action that is bold, unexpected, out-of-the-box, and ones that could alter others’ perceptions of us.

The secret life of a risk-taker is to constantly live with the acceptance of consequences and an unknown outcome.  For me, playing it safe is a lesser choice, simply because I have lofty goals of reaching my greatest potential, and I am a firm believer in the teachings of Gary Zukav and his book, “The Seat of the Soul.”

In his book, Zukav refers to Authentic Power as the alignment of the personality with the desires of the soul.  When this happens we end up living the life our true selves are here to experience. Authentic Power is an internal state; one that never leaves us (once we achieve it) unlike external things like jobs, relationships, money, cars, etc…which can so easily come and go.  So, instead of having a goal to make a billion dollars, the soul (not the ego) is reaching for expansion of who we are and asking us to take risks to build our character, to serve our highest purpose, to do what we feel is our mission in life, to reach for our highest human potential.

To achieve this forever state of personal power, we must live the secret life of a real risk-taker.  Here are some guidelines:

1. Think of the risks you’ve taken when the outcome was awful.  You won’t find one. As an example, I once leapt from my bed to my brother’s bed when I was 7 thinking I was Superman and fell, broke a toe. That was bad.  Or was it?  I never tried that again, so I learned a valuable lesson! Ask yourself the dangers of not taking risks.  How can taking a leap ever really prevent you from growing?

2. Set boundaries you can live with that are outside your norm. Evaluate the pros and the cons.  For example, when I decided to leave ad sales, I made sure to have money in the bank to carry me for a few years before I could formulate my new career and start earning. For a huge risk that has financial implications, don’t leap without a plan and preparation!

3. Know that taking the risk is a reason to celebrate, regardless of the outcome! Showing yourself that you have the fortitude to endure risk is a major confidence booster! (I’m still on a major learning curve 10 years into my career shift and every day presents risks. The ebbs of freelancing are painful.  And even when I don’t produce the results I had hoped for, I am still proud of my ability to endure, to learn and to keep moving forward.)

4. Listen to the longing of your soul. This cannot be ignored because the more you avoid its message, the louder it will get. Avoiding this will create a state of emotional pain and suffering, which leads to lowered effectiveness. What are you avoiding?  What risk is screaming at you to take? Inner-guidance always pushes us to fulfill our longing, and change always requires a level of risk.

So in summary, what are the secret lives of risk-takers? Well, they cultivate their characters.  They trust in themselves. They push the boundaries into the unknown.  They see everything as beneficial learning experiences and they act with purpose – to strive towards their highest potential.  They pay attention to their longing, and finally, they know that their authentic personal power will never leave them.

Bravely yours,

Jackie

Copyright, PointMaker Communications, Inc., 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Kellso and PointMaker Communications, Inc., with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.